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Sunday, July 10, 2011

finding my way back to me

Most people would say I am usually bubbling over with things to say and share.  However, keeping up with this blogging thing is harder than I thought. My hat is off to those amazing women in the blogosphere that post almost every day.   I started with my first post LAST November and here it is, JULY!!  It seems like when a bright idea pops in my head, by the time I log on and start typing, I can no longer put it into words.  Bloggers block??  Is there such a thing?  

So, with that said, finally, here is another (long awaited??) post.  I have been looking back over some of the journal entries I made in the first year or two of my sobriety.  

When I got sober, in March of 2009, it had been awhile since I had been fully present and aware in my own skin and in my own surroundings.  We are blessed to live on a tidal creek along a river in South Carolina, so I started going out on our dock with my coffee and my journal every morning and watching the sun come up.  It was life-changing for me, as I truly began to LOOK and SEE the beauty and inspiration right out my back door.  Mostly, it was about learning to live fully and completely in the moment instead of harping on the wreckage of my past or worrying about tomorrow.  

So I've decided to share some of the journal entries written in the first months of my sobriety.  
      11-28-2008 (about 14 months before I actually quit drinking)

"I have made a decision to finally deal with my addiction.  I finally              came to the realization that if I don't do something, it will destroy me, my marriage and my kids.

Alcohol has slowly changed me from a fully committed wife, mother,    and friend, into a person I dont even know....and I definitely don't like.

The decision came with a desperate plea from my husband, my love and best friend, along with my own desperate cry to God for help.

This is the second day I have not had anything to drink in the last several years.  I can't even tell you how hard it is to admit that.  I am a person who doesn't like to admit my faults.  Like I'm sure everyone will think I am SO TOGETHER!  So what--I'm not.  

The only one I'm fooling is myself, by numbing my reality.  It's so much easier to drone through the mundane tasks each day only to look forward to my 'reward' of several glasses of wine before bed-sometimes before 12pm.  

Instead of allowing myself to be sifted and shaped by the hands of God, I am being smashed through the blur of my addiction--influencing all I do and all I think about.  THAT's NOT ME!  Not anymore! " 

When I wrote this, I hadn't even been 2 days without a drink.  All of the reasons I said I wanted to quit, needed to quit, were great reasons.  I think at this point I knew I was an alcoholic.  But I didn't realize the power it had over me until later that afternoon.   When I opened a bottle of wine and poured another drink-- the insanity continued.  It would continue for another 14 months...


  1. So proud to know you, Jill! Yours is a redemption story that attributes glory to God. Thank you.

  2. Just beautiful, Jill. Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey with us. It's hard to think of you drinking. What a wonderful miracle!

  3. My BOBFF! I am so proud of you and you know I can relate to life altering issues. I will follow your journey and pray for you much, I already do, but will add to them in this light that you are shining so brightly for us all. I am a true believer in everyone of us being "teachers in training" with life lessons. Love you as always if not more!

  4. Jill, you may not know, but my brother, Jim, died of alcoholism (liver failure) in August 2008 at the age of 42, and just a few months before you wrote that entry. I bet you never imagined when we were in high school that would be his demise -- maybe something exotic or daring or reckless, but not drinking himself to death. My family had such a hard time even talking about what was going on. We didn't know how to face it, treat it, or deal with him. I think our greatest fear was that he would get mad at us. Dumb, huh? You are giving people a great gift by sharing your story. Keep writing! Love, Jill Warren

  5. Jill (Warren),
    I am so terribly sorry I just saw this reply. Please forgive me. I am so very sorry to hear that about Jim. I remember him as such a nice person. I'm so touched by your comments. Alcoholism is definitely the elephant in the room for many families. It is a disease that is chronic, progressive and, if not treated, fatal. I don't know why I had a moment of clarity but I'm so thankful I did. So sorry for your loss.


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