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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My Sober Journal...Looking Back

Here is another tidbit from my journal.  This was written June 2nd, 2009, at around 2.5 months of sobriety.  
6:30am on the dock...  

photo by Jill Tennison
The tide is rushing out and the sun is making it's way out of hiding.  Complete calm.  This is a perfect moment.  God, help me to live in this exact moment in time--to be aware of the amazing miracles all around me---right here---right now.  

Help me to always see people, see your creation, with a heart of gratitude.  Life is fresh and new each day I am sober.    

This is Your gift to me---wrapped in the mist of the morning---tied with a big bow that is the sunrise!  
Oh, how You love me!  

Sunday, July 10, 2011

finding my way back to me

Most people would say I am usually bubbling over with things to say and share.  However, keeping up with this blogging thing is harder than I thought. My hat is off to those amazing women in the blogosphere that post almost every day.   I started with my first post LAST November and here it is, JULY!!  It seems like when a bright idea pops in my head, by the time I log on and start typing, I can no longer put it into words.  Bloggers block??  Is there such a thing?  

So, with that said, finally, here is another (long awaited??) post.  I have been looking back over some of the journal entries I made in the first year or two of my sobriety.  

When I got sober, in March of 2009, it had been awhile since I had been fully present and aware in my own skin and in my own surroundings.  We are blessed to live on a tidal creek along a river in South Carolina, so I started going out on our dock with my coffee and my journal every morning and watching the sun come up.  It was life-changing for me, as I truly began to LOOK and SEE the beauty and inspiration right out my back door.  Mostly, it was about learning to live fully and completely in the moment instead of harping on the wreckage of my past or worrying about tomorrow.  

So I've decided to share some of the journal entries written in the first months of my sobriety.  
      11-28-2008 (about 14 months before I actually quit drinking)

"I have made a decision to finally deal with my addiction.  I finally              came to the realization that if I don't do something, it will destroy me, my marriage and my kids.

Alcohol has slowly changed me from a fully committed wife, mother,    and friend, into a person I dont even know....and I definitely don't like.

The decision came with a desperate plea from my husband, my love and best friend, along with my own desperate cry to God for help.

This is the second day I have not had anything to drink in the last several years.  I can't even tell you how hard it is to admit that.  I am a person who doesn't like to admit my faults.  Like I'm sure everyone will think I am SO TOGETHER!  So what--I'm not.  

The only one I'm fooling is myself, by numbing my reality.  It's so much easier to drone through the mundane tasks each day only to look forward to my 'reward' of several glasses of wine before bed-sometimes before 12pm.  

Instead of allowing myself to be sifted and shaped by the hands of God, I am being smashed through the blur of my addiction--influencing all I do and all I think about.  THAT's NOT ME!  Not anymore! " 

When I wrote this, I hadn't even been 2 days without a drink.  All of the reasons I said I wanted to quit, needed to quit, were great reasons.  I think at this point I knew I was an alcoholic.  But I didn't realize the power it had over me until later that afternoon.   When I opened a bottle of wine and poured another drink-- the insanity continued.  It would continue for another 14 months...